That being said, I couldn't force myself to watch "300" again. Too much fail in one day for me.
"What?!" you cry. "How on earth could you have hated the movie '300'?! There was blood and guts and awesome fighting scenes and cool special effects and ARGH IT JUST MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE A REAL MAN! LIKE A REAL SPARTAN!"
...
I must admit, upon watching it for the first time, I found it to be pretty damn hilarious, actually. "OH MAN!!! Did you see how his head spun around like that?! PAHAHAHAHAAA!!" (Okay, I admit; I lied on Monday when I said that I don't like blood and guts in my movies. I just... didn't want to seem creepy. Sorry for lying, guys.) However, this is a movie about a bunch of guys dying to protect their homeland. That's not supposed to be funny.
That being said, this movie has three things going for it, as we traverse into the land of...
SPOILERS AHOY!
Positives:
+The really hot guy, Astinos.
+Gratuitous violence
+Excessive use of Photoshop filters
... okay, fine. I'll include the scene where She-Ra (aka "Leonidas' wife") totally screws that one guy over. Even IF her costume is... well... a little bit too revealing for me to take her seriously.
Now, onto the negatives!
-Frank Miller: Yes, I know. "But it's a COMIC BOOOOOK~!" Written by Frank Miller. Written by the same man who wrote All-Star Batman and Robin and wrote the screenplay for The Spirit (Mr. Eisner, I weep for you. I really do.) Seriously, guys, throwing out that it's a comic book doesn't mean that suddenly, the level of expectation for intelligent entertainment has diminished. In fact, go read Watchmen right now. Do it. It will cleanse your brain from the stupid of 300. Actually, I also bring up Watchmen because Alan Moore also thought it sucked, for reasons that I'm going to bring up later in this post. (For those of you who don't know who Alan Moore is, let me just assure you that he knows who you are, for he can see you from out of his crystal ball sculpted from the skull of a succubus that he fought back in his younger years)
All silliness aside, there is just no excuse for dialogue like this:
(Taken from All-Star Batman and Robin)
-Homophobia (or bad research: you decide!): Well, I might as well bring up what Alan Moore had issues with. In fact, I'll let it come from him (taken from this article):
Moore singled out one aspect of Frank Miller's popular "300" as a particularly egregious example of poor research as it relates to GLBT issues. "There was just one particular line in it where one of the Spartan soldiers -- I'll remind you, this is Spartans that we're talking about -- one of them was talking disparagingly about the Athenians, and said, 'Those boy-lovers.' You know, I mean, read a book, Frank. The Spartans were famous for something other than holding the bridge at Thermopylae, they were quite famous for actually enforcing man-boy love amongst the ranks as a way of military bonding."This fact actually featured prominently in Moore's eight-page graphic history of homosexuality, "Mirror of Love." "That specific example probably says more about Frank's grasp of history than it does about his grasp of homosexuality, so I'm not impugning his moral situation there," Moore clarified. "I'm not saying it was homophobic; just wasn't very well researched. You do still find regrettable examples of this, but I think that if people point them out when they arise, if they're debated, then that can only be a healthy thing.
There you have it, from the man himself. (And for the record, yes, I'm planning to see the new Watchmen movie.)
-Blatant Racism: Alright, so we can make an argument that with the inclusion of the "OMFG WHAT ARE THOSE--?! OH, EPHORS," that perhaps the inclusion of the MONSTER NINJA PERSIANS isn't really racist. However... no. I just... I just can't get around it. Seriously, guys, Persians are still walking around today, only now, we call them Iranians. I understand (though don't agree with) the desire of the US to promote the western culture all around the world, but I'm serious when I say this isn't the way to do it. For those of you who weren't paying attention, there were a lot of hurt feelings over this movie.
That being said, I also want my audience to understand that I don't tend to take the stance of translating the plights of the Greeks/Romans to mean anything to us nowadays. The Athenians were not America, the Spartans were not Russia, and we are not following in the footsteps of Rome. However, this movie smacks of racism, even if it wasn't intentional. Really, I understand the human desire go to beat the crap out of monsters, but this isn't how it should be done. Iranians are people too, dammit.
-Disable...ism...: Who is our main traitor?! Why, it's the dashing young Ephialtes, of course! Unlike the rest of the Spartan army, Ephialtes makes Quasimodo look like a hunk. To tell the truth, I caught this one upon the first time I watched the film. I wonder how this decision was made? "We HAVE to teach our children and grandchildren that people who aren't as beautiful as us are horrible, terrible people! Oh, I know! I'll make our traitor a hunchback! Yeah, that'll work!" If the Elephant Man were alive today, I'm quite sure that he'd have some issues with this movie. [sighs] If only Ephialtes had a beautiful Esmerelda to sing to him, along with a few gargoyle friends, maybe THEN he would have found true happiness without having to betray the entire Spartan army...
-The Oracle Scene: Wait... I'm confused. For anyone who wants a map of Greece, Sparta's way down in the south, while Delphi is quite a bit north from it. Leonidas goes to the Ephors, which are a Spartan group... and then immediately goes to the Delphic oracle. Not only that but... the silly waving around. While a lot of scientists are pretty sure, nowadays, that the Delphic oracle was caused by gasses from the mountains, this scene is just stupid. "WHEEEEE~!!! LOOKIT ME, MOMMY!!! I CAN FLY~!!!" Yeah...
-"It's okay to show boob, but not penis"itis: A lot of movies suffer from this disease. I think it's because of the extraordinarily large amount of directors being male, and while they're perfectly comfortable seeing boob, they're not okay with penis, even though they have one. Perhaps I'm just a sexually frustrated young woman who got pissed for not being able to see Gerard Butler's package. Perhaps that's it... or perhaps I really have some issues with this movie.
-The Blind Guy: Upon studying Herodotus, my history professor once asked, "How did Herodotus know what happened at this battle? No one survived to tell the tale!" To which a student answered, "The guy with one eye did!" [sighs] I'll just leave that one there to speak for itself.
-Historical inacuracies: This has been touched on quite abit. However, I have to make it its own category just to say that I've done something with it. Also, to make my blog sound more educational.
-The 4chan meme: Remember, kids, this is the face that launched a thousand memes:
~~~
Of course, there are probably more issues with this movie, but like I mentioned earlier, I just couldn't sit down and actually watch the damn thing again. I understand that lots of people won't agree with me, and that's fine. However, at the very least, I've given you a little bit of insight as to why your professor thought this movie was shit. I think my history professor said it best...
"Why was there a ten year gap inbetween the Battle of Marathon and the Battle of Thermopylae? Because Xerxes had to go get more peircings and find a rhino to lead the charge!"
... Dammit, I just reminded myself of the rhino scene. [sighs] Well, that's all I really have time for today, cause I have to go and do my GREEK HOMEWORK. See ya, and remember...
CARTHAGO DELENDA EST.
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