Ancient Text of the Day-- The Iliad

You guys were this close [holds up fingers] to getting a review of Plato. However, I decided that to kick off the new blog, a post about Homer would make much more sense. After all, Homer was without a doubt one of the most revered Greek poets, if not the most. Everyone referred back to him--even Plato. It seems like someone so epic should be the first to be featured.

But then, realization dawned on me while I was taking a shower; shouldn't I just review one piece of some author so that I have more to write about (e.g., Sophocles becomes seven weeks instead of one)? If that's the case, then I'm starting with Homer's Iliad.

Without a doubt, the Iliad is my favorite epic poem of all time. (Paradise Lost is perhaps my second, unless we're including Beowulf in this list. That being said, I like Paradise Lost more for the supernatural scenes and less for the AdamxEve scenes) It has everything: action, war, romance, faked romance, gods, "D'AWWW" scenes, "BAWWWW" scenes, and anything else you could ask for. You know, except for wristwatches, because the Greeks didn't have those.

Anywho, in order to keep bratty kids away from this site, I'm going to write a review, not a summary. If you really need to know what happens in this book so badly, GO READ IT!!! Believe me, it is well worth the effort. That being said, let's plunge into the world of...

SPOILERS AHOY!

In this review, I'm going to give the pros and cons of the Iliad; what makes it work, and what gets under the modern reader's skin. I'll also be using the Stanley Lombardo translation of the Iliad, out of my Essential Homer book. Yes, the one that absolutely doesn't look Greek due to the Japanese picture on the front cover. I suggest this one for anyone who's a beginner with Homer. Not only is the language fresh and modern, but it's also... well... I'll get to that later.

Pros:

+ Complex Situations: I think the best example of that is in the very beginning, when Agamemnon and Achilles are fighting. It's funny, because whenever people read it the first time through, they tend to side with Achilles. On a second time through, a good number of people jump aboard Agamemnon's ship, instead. A good story can do this. I can think of three reasons why this happens: (a)after the first read, most readers get kind of pissy with "BAWWWW WHINY BABY" Achilles, (b)the scope of the story is only more apparent after a first read, and (c)you have to think about the story to appreciate Agamemnon's position. Achilles' stance is pretty easy to sympathize with for the modern reader; who hasn't been snuffed after the manager takes all the credit for all the hard work that you did? Alright, so my manager is actually pretty cool and wouldn't do it, but we can all imagine ourselves in that position, can't we? Less of us have been in that manager position. However, Agamemnon's the head honcho; he's GOT to look better than everyone else in order to keep his troops together. Thus... he gets the girl. Perhaps some people may still disagree with Agamemnon even at this point, but then, I just have to point to "BAWWWW WHINY BABY" Achilles. After awhile, Agamemnon just becomes more... likeable...

+Human scenes: I have to admit that when I first went into Classics, I thought that all the stories would be about flat characters with very little stuffing in them; i.e., one-dimensional caricatures. Not so much with the Iliad. Okay, I've got to admit it; Hector's my favorite character in the entire story, which is interesting, considering the fact that he's not Greek. However, he's definitely the most human character in the entire story. There's a scene in book 6 that best illustrates this point:

With these words, resplendent Hector
Reached for his child, who shrank back screaming
Into his nurse's bosom, terrified of his father's
Bronze-encased face and the horsehair plume
He saw nodding down from the helmet's crest.
This forced a laugh from his father and mother,
And Hector removed the helmet from his head
And set it on the ground all shimmering with light.
Then he kissed his dear son and swung him up gently
And said a prayer to Zeus and the other immortals: (6.491-500)

For those of you who missed it, we basically just had a baby crying because he's afraid of his daddy's war armor, the mom and dad laughing, and then the dad playing with his baby. You have to admit, once you get the mental image, it's terribly cute, especially considering the fact that the Greeks had this nasty habit of drawing children like they're adult midgets. It's easy to think that the Greeks only cared about "WAR!!! ARGH!!!" and neglected their women and children because they looked down on women but really, perhaps our modern mindset doesn't allow for the fact that the Greeks were human, too. A touching scene, to be sure. Actually, I think this scene makes Hector's death even more tragic, despite the fact that he killed one of the other most likeable characters in the story, Patroclus.

Why is Patroclus so likeable? Because he actually sticks with "BAWWWW WHINY BABY" Achilles to the very end, even disguising as Achilles to go help the Greeks because unlike Achilles, he gets it. I'd say that he's a pretty human character, too, because what most of us are lacking in EPIC FIGHTING SKILLS he makes up for in his loyalty and concern and really, that's something that I think we should all aspire to.

+Humor: You didn't think there would be anything funny in this epic, did you? I've got news for you; the Iliad actually has some freaking HILARIOUS scenes! The best of these is a scene in book 14 in which Hera, on a mission to distract Zeus from the war, grabs some Love Potion no. 9 from "I'M DYING FROM A HAND WOUND" Aphrodite. She flies over to Zeus, who proceeds to tell her some most... interesting things...

"Let's get in bed now and make love.
No goddess or woman has ever
Made me feel so overwhelmed with lust,
Not even when I fell for Ixion's wife,
Who bore Peirithous, wise as a god;
Or Danae, with lovely, slim ankles,
Who bore Perseus, paragon of men;
Or the daughter of far-famed Phoenix,
Who bore Minos and godlike Rhadamanthus;
Or Semele; or Alcmene in Thebes,
Who bore Heracles, a stouthearted son;
And Semele bore Dionysus, a joy to humans;
Or Demeter, the fair-haired queen;
Or glorious Leto; or even you--
I've never loved anyone as I love you now,
Never been in the grp of desire so sweet." (14.318-333)

Ladies, how would you feel if your husband just told you about every woman he'd slept with? It doesn't matter that he wants you more; it's still pretty damn insulting! Yet... this is Zeus' form of trying to get it on. Oh Zeus. Don't ever change. I'd miss my giggles if you did.

Also, pushing red shirts out of chariots is pretty damn hilarious, too (5.888-894)

+BLOOD AND GUTS: This may be a negative for some people, but I'm one of those girls who absolutely adores grusome violence... in books. Movies, not so much. Yeah, yeah, so Zeus can't stand those who like violence (5.948-957). Still... it gets to the point of "WOW." My favorite is--dare I say it and not incur the wrath of Zeus?!--the death of Sarpedon, when Patroclus spears him in the chest and then when he takes the spear out, he pulls the lungs out with it (16.492-540). Yummy...

Also, any scene with "BADASS" Diomedes, who is probably my third favorite character for his sheer badassery.

+The line "daimonie schedon elthe": Yes, this line is it's own bullet point. According to Mr. Lombardo, this translates to, "Come closer, sweetheart," followed by "No need to be coy" (13.853). With that inclusion of the word "sweetheart," "daimonie" in the Greek, this scene just becomes gay, and I don't mean happy. By the way, this is Ajax to Hector. Oh, so gay~

+Tragedy: For all the funny scenes, for all the grusome scenes, there's also a lot of really sad scenes. I'll admit it; the deaths of both Hector and Patroclus are sob worthy. There's something truly tragic in the lines, "That was how Patroclus, like a child/Begging for a toy, begged for death" (16.49-50). ... BECAUSE HE WAS BEING A GOOD FRIEND TO "BAWWWW WHINY BABY" ACHILLES!!! And as for Hector, he's just so gosh-darn likeable, and not only because of that scene mentioned earlier. He's not a pansy like his brother Paris (6.328-388), he's an AWESOME warrior, and... and... he's just awesome. I'll admit, even from where "BAWWWW WHINY BABY" Achilles (is that getting old?) sits, there's some sadness, too. Alright, folks, read the famous shield scene in book 18, from lines 504-661, or the end of the book. I'll be here when you get back.

[plays Jeopardy music]

...

[pops some popcorn]

...

[looks at the clock, and then turns off the Jeopardy music]

Alright, now that you've just read about that EPIC SHIELD OF EPICNESS, you're probably wondering what's so sad about it. Answer: "MOMMY DEAREST" Thetis has just told "BAWWWW WHINY BABY" Achilles that he won't be living for long if he goes to kill Hector. So, what exactly is depected on this sheild? Life. Everything that Achilles won't be able to experience once he's dead. Now, that's pretty sad, even if it IS for one of the most annoying characters in this whole book.

Negatives:

-"BAWWWW WHINY BABY" Achilles: Actually, I think he's my only negative. HIS CHARACTER PISSES ME OFF TO NO END!!! Yeah, it's okay if you side with him in the beginning, but dammit, he needs to get his ass into battle WAAAAAY earlier than he does! All he does is just sit around and cry at his mommy (1.362-454), play the lyre (9.186-200), and more than likely screw Patroclus in the ass (oh yeah, I just said that!). Actually, considering the fact that Patroclus is his elder (11.831), Achilles is probably bottom! According to Greek tradition, that is. I-I'm not trying to say that... that... okay, I'm going to shut up about that, now.

Anyway, Achilles is the most self-centered little brat that there is, and only jumps to action when he's been insulted; i.e., with the death of Patroclus. Yeah, he might have really cared for Patroclus, but if he really, really cared for him, he wouldn't have let Patroclus go galavanting off into battle.

...

Alright, fine. I'll concede that Paris is probably more self-centered than Achilles. By just a hair, though.

~~~

So, did ya get all that? The best thing is that I didn't just list off the ONLY good scenes in the book. In fact, there's a whole lot more; I've simply listed off my personal favorites. Have I made you really want to read it, or have I just bored you to tears? I really want to know, with this being the ~*FIRST REAL POST*~ and all.

And remember, Carthago delenda est!

Homer. The Essential Homer. Trans. Stanley Lombardo. Indianapolis: Hackett Publishing Company, 2000.