Pic of the Week--Map!

Well, I was thinking about what I could do for this week's pic, and I decided to put a little something up of my own creation. Sort of. Meaning that I photoshopped it.
Ta-da~! A map of Odysseus' travels. How did I know that all the good stories are between books 9-12? Because I had to make this thingy-ma-bobber. Actually, when I first had to make this, the professor gave me the original picture (without all the fancy words on it), which I still have as a poster. Hiding in my closet. Because my mother painted my room pink and won't let me put it back up. [sighs] But I WANT to go to sleep remembering Odysseus' voyages! Oh well...

Modern Adaptation of the Week--Disney's Hercules

Honey, I think you mean Hunk-ules.

For those of us who grew up in the 90s, this film was a part of our childhoods. Heck, I even remember the Meg toy that I got in... some fast food meal or other. I would play with her all the time, though she wouldn't stand up properly.

Oddly enough, I never watched this film much as a kid. I never saw it in theaters, and my parents never bought it for me. I think it had something to do with the fact that they were still kind of pissy about Pocahontas, what with making her a pagan, and all. (but Dad... she really would have been, at that point...)

All that aside, I'll say that it was a pretty good film. It wasn't one of Disney's best films, but it was pretty good nonetheless. Why was it a good film? Well, let's begin!

SPOILERS AHOY! (yeah, I know; if you haven't seen this film, there's something wrong with you. Spoiler warning nonetheless)

Pros:

+The Invocation to the Muses: Alright, I'm stretching it, since the Muses are sort of the way the story gets progressed throughout the film. Of course the film would start with them. However, it's totally appropriate in an epic poem to begin with an invocation to the muses. So appropriate, in fact, that I've heard arguments saying that neither the Epic of Gilgamesh nor Beowulf should be considered epic poems proper because they're both missing that element.

+The Music: This film is no Lion King. However, the music in this film is still pretty good, definitely among Disney's higher ranking quality songs (the lower ranking ones are all in sequals and in a good number of their animal films such as Fox and the Hound). My favorites are probably "Go the Distance" and "I Won't Say (I'm in Love)." That second one is especially fun to sing. I would probably say that my least favorite song--and really, the only one that I don't particularly care for--is "One Last Hope."

+The Jokes: Before the Disney Renaissance of the late 80s, early 90s (starting with The Little Mermaid, I believe), Disney didn't really seem to do jokes all that well. By the time Hercules rolled around, everyone had some sort of witty one-liner. There are a few jokes that actually stand out to me: (a)at the beginning, when Hermes says, "I haven't seen so much love in a room since Narcissus discovered himself" (or something like that...), (b)The scene with the Nemean Lion, who is actually Scar from The Lion King, and (c)When Hercules and Meg come from the theater, Hercules says something like, "And that Oedipus guy! Boy, I thought I had problems!" [awkward pause].

+The Character Performances: There are a few characters in this movie that I thought were done extremely well. Before I sat down to watch this film, again, I was thinking, "Please, PLEASE don't let my nostalgia goggles be knocked off!" I was pleased to find that it wasn't.

Hades (voiced by James Woods): I feel he's one of Disney's most likable villains. Where a whole lot of them are just pure, serious evil, Hades has a pretty strong sense of humor, which, as any girl can tell you, is always a plus when a guy is looking to snag a lady. And talk about not missing a beat! He reads his lines so naturally! If anyone reading this has done any acting, you know how impressive that is, especially considering how easy it would be to mess up on his lines. "But they have like, HOW many takes to do this in?!" Yeah, but there can still be some pretty bad voice acting out there. Hades is absolutely not one of them.

Meg (voiced by Susan Egan): Like Hades, she never misses a beat. Boy, you can believe that THOSE two have been hanging with each other for awhile. Actually, what I like about her character is that she's one of the strongest-willed female heroines of any Disney film. Even though by her own admission she's a "Damsel in Distress," I never really got that feeling from her. She seemed determined to get her own way out of the deal with Hades throughout the entire film, and if she couldn't get out, then she would roll with the punches and deal with it. It seemed like the only thing keeping her from seriously whooping up on Hades was her mortality. If she could have been a goddess, she would have stopped Hades from all of his evil plans a loooong time ago. Sadly, she's not that great in the original story. She's Hercules' wife for a while, but then, he kills her in a random fit of rage. Oops. Not so Disney, is it?

Pegasus: Yeah, I know Pegasus wasn't a vocal performance. However, the directing on Pegasus was very good. I always got the impression from Pegasus that he was Hercules' old pal from grade school, and now, they've met up at their frat and they're out just to have a good time. I thought the bird thing was pretty clever, too. Most people, I think, would make Pegasus a noble, serious character, but Disney opted for funny, and I think it worked in this movie. While a lot of Disney's sidekick characters can be annoying, this one isn't.

-Sneaking in the 12 Tasks: This film is FAR from being historically accurate. However, it still manages to sneak in a good deal of Hercules' twelve tasks that he has to perform (I'll let YOU look for them!). Sneaky, Disney, very sneaky.

Cons:

-Historical Inaccuracy: This one doesn't bother me, really. I'm only putting this in here for the people who really want to complain about it. However, it's Disney; they're going to rape the original story. Believe me, if you go into it knowing that, it becomes more like... consensual sex, rather than rape. (okay, horrible analogy, I know.)

-The Characters: While there were some pretty strong characters, a few fell sort of weak, for me.

Philoctetes (voiced by Danny Devito): I know... other people probably really like his character. There's nothing wrong with Mr. Devito's performace; he plays the character well. However, I just don't like Phil as a person. I thought he was borderline obnoxious sidekick (even though he was actually a mentor character), but that was really more of an impression than a real critique of the film.

Pain and Panic (voiced by Bob Goldthwait and Matt Frewer): Okay, these guys WERE obnoxious sidekicks. Their only purpose throughout the whole film was just to annoy me. To me, they felt sort of like what would have happened if Banzai, Shenzi, and Ed from The Lion King would have been played wrong. "If... if is good!" always sort of reminded me of a hyena line that just never made it into The Lion King and got stuck in this film. I think of every character in this film, their performances were the weakest, perhaps because Disney was losing the ability to write good sidekick characters. To be honest, I like it more when I can respect the sidekick characters (eg, every sidekick in the first Aladdin film) rather than look down on them.

-The Disney Formula: At around some point during the Disney Renaissance, they succeeded in creating a certain formula for the perfect story. I swear, this movie had almost every one, except for the one where one of the parents has to be dead. Surprisingly, there are no dead parents in this film (I suppose even Disney can't kill an Olympian god!). However, there was the opening baby bash (Sleeping Beauty, Lion King), the misfit hero who has to prove himself (Aladdin, Mulan), the trade-off-of-skills (The Little Mermaid), etc etc.

~~~

Overall, it was a pretty good film. The complaints that I had were not enough to deter me from enjoying this film. The only thing that saddens me about this film is the fact that the only really good Disney films that came after it were Mulan and the Emperor's New Groove. Oh Disney. If only you'd kept it up.

(P.S.-- you almost didn't get a post, today, because I'm feeling pretty under the weather. Ick. So, if this review felt weak, that's why.)

CARTHAGO DELENDA EST!!!

Text of the Week--The Odyssey

Alright, I'll admit; the Odyssey may not be my absolute favorite of all time, but I still have a strange obsession with it, right down to my Odyssey collection. I have the Stanley Lombardo edition, the Richmond Lattimore edition, and the Robert Fitzgerald edition. That's not to mention the fact that every year, our Classical Studies club at our school reads the entire Robert Fagles edition. I'm the one famous for wearing funny hats to the readings.

For today's discussion, I'll be using the Essential Homer, with the Japanese picture on the front cover. After all, it's just been sitting here in my room ever since my last review...

At any rate, let's begin, shall we?

SPOILERS AHOY!

Pros:

+Complex story: The Iliad was a pretty straight forward story, with a pretty straightforward, chronological plot. Not so much with the Odyssey. Even though the Odyssey is about "I AM THE SMARTEST MAN EVER!!!" Odysseus, the story starts off with his son, Telemachus. Poor Telemachus is upset with his mother's suitors, as is his mother, and he really needs to do something about it. In comes Athena, one of the most prominent gods in the book (the other one is obviously Poseidon). The story with Telemachus is one of growing up, aided by Athena; he grows from a little boy who's been bullied by his mother's suitors to a fine young man, ready to aid his father against the horrors that have occured since he sailed off for war so long ago. There's more to the story. As I mentioned, the story is about Odysseus. In book 5, we meet up with Odysseus, again, and he's in trouble, stuck at Calypso's place. Alone. With just her. Wait, wait, wait! What about the bits where he has the crew?! Like with the Cyclops, or with the Circe, who turns the sailors into pigs. Where have those parts gone? Of course, that's what everyone remembers from grade school, because those are the only parts that anyone has to read. All of those parts are couched within books 9-12 as a flashback that Odysseus tells to this guy named Alcinous. The rest of the book concerns Odysseus' last leg of the journey home, as well as beating up on the suitors. As I said, not such a straightforward story...

+The exiting bits: You have to admit, when this story is exciting, it's exciting. I mean, a man eating Cyclops! Beautiful, deadly Sirens! Lotus-Eaters who can't tell when time is passing! A witch who turns people into animals! One-eyed one-horned flying purple people eaters! Wait... nix that last one...

+Penelope and other portrayals of women: You've got to love Penelope. I mean, where else in a Greek text will you get a woman who's smarter than the men? She tricks them all several times (I'll let you read to see what I mean!), and at the end, she's able to keep up with the best of Odysseus' scheming. I suppose the only downside to her character is that she's not there for a lot of the rip-roaring action at the end. I suppose that would be a little much to ask of the Greeks.

The other female portrayal that I like is Calypso, simply for the fact that she brings up an interesting point. In book 5, in lines 118-143, she complains to Hermes that it's not fair that gods can take whatever mortal woman they want for a lover, but that goddesses can't turn around and do the same thing. It's an interesting point to bring up, especially in a culture that's so anti-feminist.

+The "puppy scene:" I call it thus because it's this part that I like to read every year with the group. Here's the lines (emphasis mine):

His hands
Reached out, seized two of them, and smashed them
To the ground like puppies. Their brains spattered out
And oozed into the dirt. He tore them limb from limb
To make his supper, gulping them down
Like a mountain lion, leaving nothing behind--
Guts, flesh, or marrowy bones. (9.280-286)

There's something about that description that makes me belive that the Greeks have some understanding of what it's like to brutally slaughter puppies. Beyond that, that's just a brilliant description of all the gore. Mmm...

+The story of Argus: As strange as it sounds, this scene is perhaps one of the most poignant in the whole story. It's in book 17, from lines 317-354. It's about Odysseus' faithful dog, Argus. That poor dog was so abused while Odysseys was away that it's stuck in manure and infested with lice, so old and abused that he can barely move. Odysseys, upon seeing the dog, cries, but he can't go out and greet it. Instead, he asks the swineherd that he's with, Eumaeus, to tell him about the dog, so Eumaeus does. The last mention of Argus is when Argus dies upon seeing his master return home. Truly, this scene deserves the manliest of tears.

Cons:

-The boring scenes: Remember when I said that most of you only read books 9-12 of the Odyssey in high school? There's a reason for that. Apart from the final battle scene with the suitors, the rest of the book is a little... boring, to say the least. I mean, behold, this scene where Nausicaa plays with a ball.

... Truly, the stuff of legends.

-Anti-climactic ending: For such an epic story, this story ends really... weird. So, after Odysseus kills all the suitors, he goes and has a nice chat with his dad. Well, that's nice! But oh-ho, what's that on the horizon?! The families of the suitors are pissed?! Whatever shall we do, Odysseus?! Aha, we must get prepared for battle! Quick, to arms, to ar--HOLY SHIT, IS THAT ATHENA?! Oh look all of a sudden, everyone sees the error of their ways and are no longer mad. We may all live happily ever after except for Odysseus, who has to do that thing with his oar that Tireseus told him to do in book 11.

... I shit you not, this is how it ends.

-The word "brazier:" I don't think that the Lombardo version uses that word. The Fagles one does. During my first Homerathon, I was challenged with that word up on the podium. I had never seen it before, and my first inclination was to pronounce it like "brassier," the underwear. As soon as I walked off the stage, one of the men there gave me a very stern look and said, "It's pronounced 'BRAY-zee-er.'" Needless to say, I was highly embarrassed, so embarrassed that the next year, I took that same part, again, just so that I could read that word correctly.

-The recognition scene: In book 19, Eurycleia, Odysseus' old nurse, recognizes Odysseus by the scar on his leg. I don't think I've ever read a favorable review of this particular scene. In general, it's depicted as being a weak scene in the Odyssey, due to its simplicity. Personally, I have no particularly strong feelings towards it, but I add it in the cons due to the critic's reactions. As far as I'm concerned, at least it's better than the scene in the Libation Bearers by Aeschylus when Electra identifies her brother Orestes, whom she hasn't seen for YEARS, by the fact that his hair and foot size is the same as hers. Wait... now THAT scene truly confuses me! I have some brothers, and I have to say that my hair and feet are nothing like theirs. In fact, this scene confused the Greeks so much that Euripdes parodied it in his Electra play.

... yeah. At least the recognition scene in the Odyssey isn't as bad as THAT.

~~~

I know that my last two reviews were a little bit far off to one side, to say the least. I think this one straddles the middle pretty well, and in my opinion, the Odyssey is really a middle-of-the-road read. Perhaps not as fun as the Iliad, but at the same time, not as bad as, say, Thucydides.

CARTHAGO DELENDA EST!

Homer. The Essential Homer. Trans. Stanley Lombardo. Indianapolis: Hackett Publishing Company, 2000.

MY VIRUS IS DEAAAAAAAD!!!

Well, I got nuisance off of my computer. YAY! In celebration, I shall have a new post for you tomorrow. It'll be awesome, for it shall be on the Odyssey.

No new blog posts...

Hey, guys! I know, that title is really depressing, especially with the cause. I am not abandoning my children by choice. Unfortunately, I've been hit by a pretty bad virus, so I may have to abandon the blog until I can figure out either how to get rid of it or get a new computer. I'm actually writing this from a school computer. It sucks.

Sorry, guys, but this one is a little out of my control...

Pic of the Week!--Saturn Eating His Kids

Alright, since I had no post on Friday, I'm posting today. From now on, "pic of the week" will happen on Fridays.

Anywho, this week, we're featuring not an ancient artwork, but one that has to do with the ancient world, nonetheless. Behold, I give you CHRONOS!!!

I mean, look at this guy! He's the stuff that nightmares are made of! Who could sleep after staring into those wide eyes, contemplating the arm sticking out of his mouth?? This is one crazy dude! For those of you who don't know the story, he's actually eating one of his kids. The drawback to this picture is that later, Zeus has to go rescue those who have been eaten. That's a little hard to do when they've been ripped apart and chewed up.

At any rate, when the next season of America's Next Top Model airs, I'm voting for this guy to make it to the top! <3

Story of the Week!-- Wait, where's the story??

I know, I know. I promised a blog post on Fridays. Sadly, I'm really not sure how to go about with this particular theme. It was a good idea in theory, but I'm not sure that it's good in practice. I may simply move "Picture of the Week" to "Story of the Week." I mean, this would be SO much better if I could do video. Actually, it would be sort of awesome if I could do video. However, I have neither the time nor the technology to actually learn how to do video, so unless anyone has any better ideas, I'm going to scrap "Story of the Week." It's awfully similar to what I'm doing on Mondays, anyway.

Sorry if there are any broken hearts along the way.

Serious post, guys-- Internet Blackout

This post has nothing to do with Classical Studies. However, as the owner of this blog, I feel like the message needs to be sent out about this.

BASICALLY, New Zealand is creating a law that works by "Guilt by Accusation" for copyright laws. If someone accuses you of breaking a copyright law, even if you didn't actually do the crime, you are automatically sentenced. There is no trial by jury. That's it. You're done. See ya!

This is, of course, an absolute outrage. Murderers get to have a trial-by-jury, but possible copyright offenders don't? I understand the hatred for copyright offenders is pretty strong, but come on, people, be reasonable! EVERYONE deserves a trial-by-jury. EVERYONE. It's especially dangerous on the copyright issue because not a lot of people truly understand copyright laws. Under this law, I predict that there will be a lot of innocent people being found guilty for crimes they never committed.

Anyway, you must be saying by now, "That's terrible! Whatever can we do, o Great-Guru-of-All-Things-Greek?" Let me now direct your eyes to exhibit B (the explanation was exhibit A). This website explains the situation a lot better than I can. Also, there is an internet blackout going on from February 16-23 in protest of this law. If you have a facebook, myspace, twitter, etc., I HIGHLY encourage you to change your picture to the little black box depicted on the site. This way, we can get out our feelings to the New Zealand government that this is not the way laws should be created (btw, this law goes into effect on February 28th). Also, I encourage everyone to sign the petition at the bottom of this page. Artists and non-artists alike can sign!

Go forth, my minions, and do your civic duty!

Modern Adaptation of the Week-- Why Your Professor Hated "300"

I just... I couldn't do it. Earlier today, I was forced to read Looking Backward by Edward Bellamy, and I swear that he stuck in those last 25 pages to make me RAGE LIKE I HAD NEVER RAGED BEFORE. I'm serious; I swore about every couple of paragraphs or so. It was worse than when I read Fruits Basket and swore every time Akito came into the picture.

That being said, I couldn't force myself to watch "300" again. Too much fail in one day for me.

"What?!" you cry. "How on earth could you have hated the movie '300'?! There was blood and guts and awesome fighting scenes and cool special effects and ARGH IT JUST MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE A REAL MAN! LIKE A REAL SPARTAN!"

...

I must admit, upon watching it for the first time, I found it to be pretty damn hilarious, actually. "OH MAN!!! Did you see how his head spun around like that?! PAHAHAHAHAAA!!" (Okay, I admit; I lied on Monday when I said that I don't like blood and guts in my movies. I just... didn't want to seem creepy. Sorry for lying, guys.) However, this is a movie about a bunch of guys dying to protect their homeland. That's not supposed to be funny.

That being said, this movie has three things going for it, as we traverse into the land of...

SPOILERS AHOY!

Positives:

+The really hot guy, Astinos.
+Gratuitous violence
+Excessive use of Photoshop filters

... okay, fine. I'll include the scene where She-Ra (aka "Leonidas' wife") totally screws that one guy over. Even IF her costume is... well... a little bit too revealing for me to take her seriously.

Now, onto the negatives!

-Frank Miller: Yes, I know. "But it's a COMIC BOOOOOK~!" Written by Frank Miller. Written by the same man who wrote All-Star Batman and Robin and wrote the screenplay for The Spirit (Mr. Eisner, I weep for you. I really do.) Seriously, guys, throwing out that it's a comic book doesn't mean that suddenly, the level of expectation for intelligent entertainment has diminished. In fact, go read Watchmen right now. Do it. It will cleanse your brain from the stupid of 300. Actually, I also bring up Watchmen because Alan Moore also thought it sucked, for reasons that I'm going to bring up later in this post. (For those of you who don't know who Alan Moore is, let me just assure you that he knows who you are, for he can see you from out of his crystal ball sculpted from the skull of a succubus that he fought back in his younger years)

All silliness aside, there is just no excuse for dialogue like this:


(Taken from All-Star Batman and Robin)

-Homophobia (or bad research: you decide!): Well, I might as well bring up what Alan Moore had issues with. In fact, I'll let it come from him (taken from this article):

Moore singled out one aspect of Frank Miller's popular "300" as a particularly egregious example of poor research as it relates to GLBT issues. "There was just one particular line in it where one of the Spartan soldiers -- I'll remind you, this is Spartans that we're talking about -- one of them was talking disparagingly about the Athenians, and said, 'Those boy-lovers.' You know, I mean, read a book, Frank. The Spartans were famous for something other than holding the bridge at Thermopylae, they were quite famous for actually enforcing man-boy love amongst the ranks as a way of military bonding."

This fact actually featured prominently in Moore's eight-page graphic history of homosexuality, "Mirror of Love." "That specific example probably says more about Frank's grasp of history than it does about his grasp of homosexuality, so I'm not impugning his moral situation there," Moore clarified. "I'm not saying it was homophobic; just wasn't very well researched. You do still find regrettable examples of this, but I think that if people point them out when they arise, if they're debated, then that can only be a healthy thing.

There you have it, from the man himself. (And for the record, yes, I'm planning to see the new Watchmen movie.)

-Blatant Racism: Alright, so we can make an argument that with the inclusion of the "OMFG WHAT ARE THOSE--?! OH, EPHORS," that perhaps the inclusion of the MONSTER NINJA PERSIANS isn't really racist. However... no. I just... I just can't get around it. Seriously, guys, Persians are still walking around today, only now, we call them Iranians. I understand (though don't agree with) the desire of the US to promote the western culture all around the world, but I'm serious when I say this isn't the way to do it. For those of you who weren't paying attention, there were a lot of hurt feelings over this movie.

That being said, I also want my audience to understand that I don't tend to take the stance of translating the plights of the Greeks/Romans to mean anything to us nowadays. The Athenians were not America, the Spartans were not Russia, and we are not following in the footsteps of Rome. However, this movie smacks of racism, even if it wasn't intentional. Really, I understand the human desire go to beat the crap out of monsters, but this isn't how it should be done. Iranians are people too, dammit.

-Disable...ism...: Who is our main traitor?! Why, it's the dashing young Ephialtes, of course! Unlike the rest of the Spartan army, Ephialtes makes Quasimodo look like a hunk. To tell the truth, I caught this one upon the first time I watched the film. I wonder how this decision was made? "We HAVE to teach our children and grandchildren that people who aren't as beautiful as us are horrible, terrible people! Oh, I know! I'll make our traitor a hunchback! Yeah, that'll work!" If the Elephant Man were alive today, I'm quite sure that he'd have some issues with this movie. [sighs] If only Ephialtes had a beautiful Esmerelda to sing to him, along with a few gargoyle friends, maybe THEN he would have found true happiness without having to betray the entire Spartan army...

-The Oracle Scene: Wait... I'm confused. For anyone who wants a map of Greece, Sparta's way down in the south, while Delphi is quite a bit north from it. Leonidas goes to the Ephors, which are a Spartan group... and then immediately goes to the Delphic oracle. Not only that but... the silly waving around. While a lot of scientists are pretty sure, nowadays, that the Delphic oracle was caused by gasses from the mountains, this scene is just stupid. "WHEEEEE~!!! LOOKIT ME, MOMMY!!! I CAN FLY~!!!" Yeah...

-"It's okay to show boob, but not penis"itis: A lot of movies suffer from this disease. I think it's because of the extraordinarily large amount of directors being male, and while they're perfectly comfortable seeing boob, they're not okay with penis, even though they have one. Perhaps I'm just a sexually frustrated young woman who got pissed for not being able to see Gerard Butler's package. Perhaps that's it... or perhaps I really have some issues with this movie.

-The Blind Guy: Upon studying Herodotus, my history professor once asked, "How did Herodotus know what happened at this battle? No one survived to tell the tale!" To which a student answered, "The guy with one eye did!" [sighs] I'll just leave that one there to speak for itself.

-Historical inacuracies: This has been touched on quite abit. However, I have to make it its own category just to say that I've done something with it. Also, to make my blog sound more educational.

-The 4chan meme: Remember, kids, this is the face that launched a thousand memes:

~~~

Of course, there are probably more issues with this movie, but like I mentioned earlier, I just couldn't sit down and actually watch the damn thing again. I understand that lots of people won't agree with me, and that's fine. However, at the very least, I've given you a little bit of insight as to why your professor thought this movie was shit. I think my history professor said it best...

"Why was there a ten year gap inbetween the Battle of Marathon and the Battle of Thermopylae? Because Xerxes had to go get more peircings and find a rhino to lead the charge!"

... Dammit, I just reminded myself of the rhino scene. [sighs] Well, that's all I really have time for today, cause I have to go and do my GREEK HOMEWORK. See ya, and remember...

CARTHAGO DELENDA EST.

Ancient Text of the Day-- The Iliad

You guys were this close [holds up fingers] to getting a review of Plato. However, I decided that to kick off the new blog, a post about Homer would make much more sense. After all, Homer was without a doubt one of the most revered Greek poets, if not the most. Everyone referred back to him--even Plato. It seems like someone so epic should be the first to be featured.

But then, realization dawned on me while I was taking a shower; shouldn't I just review one piece of some author so that I have more to write about (e.g., Sophocles becomes seven weeks instead of one)? If that's the case, then I'm starting with Homer's Iliad.

Without a doubt, the Iliad is my favorite epic poem of all time. (Paradise Lost is perhaps my second, unless we're including Beowulf in this list. That being said, I like Paradise Lost more for the supernatural scenes and less for the AdamxEve scenes) It has everything: action, war, romance, faked romance, gods, "D'AWWW" scenes, "BAWWWW" scenes, and anything else you could ask for. You know, except for wristwatches, because the Greeks didn't have those.

Anywho, in order to keep bratty kids away from this site, I'm going to write a review, not a summary. If you really need to know what happens in this book so badly, GO READ IT!!! Believe me, it is well worth the effort. That being said, let's plunge into the world of...

SPOILERS AHOY!

In this review, I'm going to give the pros and cons of the Iliad; what makes it work, and what gets under the modern reader's skin. I'll also be using the Stanley Lombardo translation of the Iliad, out of my Essential Homer book. Yes, the one that absolutely doesn't look Greek due to the Japanese picture on the front cover. I suggest this one for anyone who's a beginner with Homer. Not only is the language fresh and modern, but it's also... well... I'll get to that later.

Pros:

+ Complex Situations: I think the best example of that is in the very beginning, when Agamemnon and Achilles are fighting. It's funny, because whenever people read it the first time through, they tend to side with Achilles. On a second time through, a good number of people jump aboard Agamemnon's ship, instead. A good story can do this. I can think of three reasons why this happens: (a)after the first read, most readers get kind of pissy with "BAWWWW WHINY BABY" Achilles, (b)the scope of the story is only more apparent after a first read, and (c)you have to think about the story to appreciate Agamemnon's position. Achilles' stance is pretty easy to sympathize with for the modern reader; who hasn't been snuffed after the manager takes all the credit for all the hard work that you did? Alright, so my manager is actually pretty cool and wouldn't do it, but we can all imagine ourselves in that position, can't we? Less of us have been in that manager position. However, Agamemnon's the head honcho; he's GOT to look better than everyone else in order to keep his troops together. Thus... he gets the girl. Perhaps some people may still disagree with Agamemnon even at this point, but then, I just have to point to "BAWWWW WHINY BABY" Achilles. After awhile, Agamemnon just becomes more... likeable...

+Human scenes: I have to admit that when I first went into Classics, I thought that all the stories would be about flat characters with very little stuffing in them; i.e., one-dimensional caricatures. Not so much with the Iliad. Okay, I've got to admit it; Hector's my favorite character in the entire story, which is interesting, considering the fact that he's not Greek. However, he's definitely the most human character in the entire story. There's a scene in book 6 that best illustrates this point:

With these words, resplendent Hector
Reached for his child, who shrank back screaming
Into his nurse's bosom, terrified of his father's
Bronze-encased face and the horsehair plume
He saw nodding down from the helmet's crest.
This forced a laugh from his father and mother,
And Hector removed the helmet from his head
And set it on the ground all shimmering with light.
Then he kissed his dear son and swung him up gently
And said a prayer to Zeus and the other immortals: (6.491-500)

For those of you who missed it, we basically just had a baby crying because he's afraid of his daddy's war armor, the mom and dad laughing, and then the dad playing with his baby. You have to admit, once you get the mental image, it's terribly cute, especially considering the fact that the Greeks had this nasty habit of drawing children like they're adult midgets. It's easy to think that the Greeks only cared about "WAR!!! ARGH!!!" and neglected their women and children because they looked down on women but really, perhaps our modern mindset doesn't allow for the fact that the Greeks were human, too. A touching scene, to be sure. Actually, I think this scene makes Hector's death even more tragic, despite the fact that he killed one of the other most likeable characters in the story, Patroclus.

Why is Patroclus so likeable? Because he actually sticks with "BAWWWW WHINY BABY" Achilles to the very end, even disguising as Achilles to go help the Greeks because unlike Achilles, he gets it. I'd say that he's a pretty human character, too, because what most of us are lacking in EPIC FIGHTING SKILLS he makes up for in his loyalty and concern and really, that's something that I think we should all aspire to.

+Humor: You didn't think there would be anything funny in this epic, did you? I've got news for you; the Iliad actually has some freaking HILARIOUS scenes! The best of these is a scene in book 14 in which Hera, on a mission to distract Zeus from the war, grabs some Love Potion no. 9 from "I'M DYING FROM A HAND WOUND" Aphrodite. She flies over to Zeus, who proceeds to tell her some most... interesting things...

"Let's get in bed now and make love.
No goddess or woman has ever
Made me feel so overwhelmed with lust,
Not even when I fell for Ixion's wife,
Who bore Peirithous, wise as a god;
Or Danae, with lovely, slim ankles,
Who bore Perseus, paragon of men;
Or the daughter of far-famed Phoenix,
Who bore Minos and godlike Rhadamanthus;
Or Semele; or Alcmene in Thebes,
Who bore Heracles, a stouthearted son;
And Semele bore Dionysus, a joy to humans;
Or Demeter, the fair-haired queen;
Or glorious Leto; or even you--
I've never loved anyone as I love you now,
Never been in the grp of desire so sweet." (14.318-333)

Ladies, how would you feel if your husband just told you about every woman he'd slept with? It doesn't matter that he wants you more; it's still pretty damn insulting! Yet... this is Zeus' form of trying to get it on. Oh Zeus. Don't ever change. I'd miss my giggles if you did.

Also, pushing red shirts out of chariots is pretty damn hilarious, too (5.888-894)

+BLOOD AND GUTS: This may be a negative for some people, but I'm one of those girls who absolutely adores grusome violence... in books. Movies, not so much. Yeah, yeah, so Zeus can't stand those who like violence (5.948-957). Still... it gets to the point of "WOW." My favorite is--dare I say it and not incur the wrath of Zeus?!--the death of Sarpedon, when Patroclus spears him in the chest and then when he takes the spear out, he pulls the lungs out with it (16.492-540). Yummy...

Also, any scene with "BADASS" Diomedes, who is probably my third favorite character for his sheer badassery.

+The line "daimonie schedon elthe": Yes, this line is it's own bullet point. According to Mr. Lombardo, this translates to, "Come closer, sweetheart," followed by "No need to be coy" (13.853). With that inclusion of the word "sweetheart," "daimonie" in the Greek, this scene just becomes gay, and I don't mean happy. By the way, this is Ajax to Hector. Oh, so gay~

+Tragedy: For all the funny scenes, for all the grusome scenes, there's also a lot of really sad scenes. I'll admit it; the deaths of both Hector and Patroclus are sob worthy. There's something truly tragic in the lines, "That was how Patroclus, like a child/Begging for a toy, begged for death" (16.49-50). ... BECAUSE HE WAS BEING A GOOD FRIEND TO "BAWWWW WHINY BABY" ACHILLES!!! And as for Hector, he's just so gosh-darn likeable, and not only because of that scene mentioned earlier. He's not a pansy like his brother Paris (6.328-388), he's an AWESOME warrior, and... and... he's just awesome. I'll admit, even from where "BAWWWW WHINY BABY" Achilles (is that getting old?) sits, there's some sadness, too. Alright, folks, read the famous shield scene in book 18, from lines 504-661, or the end of the book. I'll be here when you get back.

[plays Jeopardy music]

...

[pops some popcorn]

...

[looks at the clock, and then turns off the Jeopardy music]

Alright, now that you've just read about that EPIC SHIELD OF EPICNESS, you're probably wondering what's so sad about it. Answer: "MOMMY DEAREST" Thetis has just told "BAWWWW WHINY BABY" Achilles that he won't be living for long if he goes to kill Hector. So, what exactly is depected on this sheild? Life. Everything that Achilles won't be able to experience once he's dead. Now, that's pretty sad, even if it IS for one of the most annoying characters in this whole book.

Negatives:

-"BAWWWW WHINY BABY" Achilles: Actually, I think he's my only negative. HIS CHARACTER PISSES ME OFF TO NO END!!! Yeah, it's okay if you side with him in the beginning, but dammit, he needs to get his ass into battle WAAAAAY earlier than he does! All he does is just sit around and cry at his mommy (1.362-454), play the lyre (9.186-200), and more than likely screw Patroclus in the ass (oh yeah, I just said that!). Actually, considering the fact that Patroclus is his elder (11.831), Achilles is probably bottom! According to Greek tradition, that is. I-I'm not trying to say that... that... okay, I'm going to shut up about that, now.

Anyway, Achilles is the most self-centered little brat that there is, and only jumps to action when he's been insulted; i.e., with the death of Patroclus. Yeah, he might have really cared for Patroclus, but if he really, really cared for him, he wouldn't have let Patroclus go galavanting off into battle.

...

Alright, fine. I'll concede that Paris is probably more self-centered than Achilles. By just a hair, though.

~~~

So, did ya get all that? The best thing is that I didn't just list off the ONLY good scenes in the book. In fact, there's a whole lot more; I've simply listed off my personal favorites. Have I made you really want to read it, or have I just bored you to tears? I really want to know, with this being the ~*FIRST REAL POST*~ and all.

And remember, Carthago delenda est!

Homer. The Essential Homer. Trans. Stanley Lombardo. Indianapolis: Hackett Publishing Company, 2000.

Happy Lupercalia!

Well, I lied about the Monday thing. I remembered that today is a holiday, so I decided to do something a little special for it!

Dang, I was looking for a picture to put up illustrating it, but the only nice one I found was PROBABLY copyrighted. Oh well.

Since this is an educational opportunity I can't afford to miss, here's a couple of sites about this Roman holiday!

Wikipedia

Some other site

Truthfully, I haven't gone through to make sure that all the info was correct, but on the surface it seemed fine, so there we go! You can now read up on this screwy Roman holiday! (Also, if anyone sees that there IS something factually incorrect about these sites, comment and I'll take the offending site down)

The First Blog Post!

Well, instead of starting this blog out with "So, there was this Plato guy..." I've decided to start out with an introductory post explaining what this blog is going to be for. Basically, it's the most non-serious Classical Studies blog... ever?? I'm not sure. At any rate, I'm going to try to keep things pretty upbeat. HOWEVER, I would very strongly suggest keeping children away from this blog, as it's going to be pretty adult oriented. That means no using this as a research tool for your 5th grader's mythology project. That's not how we roll here, even if I do post up a review of something that is geared toward children.

Speaking of reviews, I might as well lay out how this blog is going to work. I am a very busy college senior with a very heavy case of senioritis. This blog won't be updated every day. Instead, I'm going to have certain days at which I update with certain features. So far, I have...

• Picture of the Week! (Sundays)-- I'll post up some horribly obscene/interesting piece of ancient artwork and comment on it. Also, it may not necessarily be "ancient;" it may only pertain to the Ancients, but if that's the case, I probably won't include anything on here that was created within the last 50 years or so.
  
• Writer of the Week! (Mondays)-- I swear I'll make this day more interesting than it's going to sound here. On Mondays, I'll be writing on some ancient author that I think everyone needs to look into.
  
• Modern Adaptation of the Week! (Wednesdays)-- I'll write some review of a modern work (within the past 100 years? Yeah, I'll go with that, for now) that pertains to Classics.
• Story of the Week! (Fridays)-- Ahaha, this is where I sit down and tell you all a little story about those dead old Mediterranean men. My way. Which means that you're all in for something between disaster and a roller coaster ride of daring doom and defeat. Something like that, anyway....

See how that's going to work? Now, if I have anything else I want to write about, I'll include it, so don't assume that I'm ONLY going to review on Sun/Mon/Wed/Fri. However, I'll make an effort to most definitely blog on those days.

So, now that I've probably scared you away from my blog, what with all that EDUCATION, I'll also warn that this is probably going to be less educational than it sounds. I believe in using humor as an educational tool, so there we go.

... I feel like I need to do some stand-up comedy just to show you guys that I really am funny. Oh well. I'll probably put up my first post on Monday. See you then!